30 days of Kylo Ren
by Limra
Summary: Tumblr challenge: One month of Kylo Ren! Each day we have a theme to create some content. I'm sharing here because they gave priority to the collection they've created on AO3. Well, my Kylo Ren is a redeemed person who's thinking about his life. Reylo fic! Hope you enjoy it!
1. Day 1 - The Force

**Author's note: Hi, everyone! I hope you enjoy this serie of one-shots! English is not my first language, so I'm sorry!**

* * *

30 days of Kylo Ren

Day 1 – The Force

It wasn't easy at the beginning.

Feeling the Force even before knowing its purposes always brought difficult aftermaths. He couldn't remember the first time he felt it, because he was very young. His _mother_ would tell him how one night she got up with her baby _giggling_. Not crying as all the babies are supposed to do. _Laughing_. He was only five months old and all the small toys were floating around his crib.

When he was five years old, he could already manipulate things. Why open the wardrobe if he could summon his jacket? Why going out if he could make fun alone? Trade his lonely moments learning about himself and the Force for other children who couldn't understand him had never been attractive.

His father never understood it. His mother feared it. But he knew the Force was something that flooded through his veins making him feel complete and _balanced_. That boy thought he was special to the world.

And he was. Uncle Luke came and took him from the family he loved but it was for a great cause. He was eight years old and would become a jedi.

He was ten years old when everything got messy. Voices in his head driving him insane. But two were predominant. The first one, that creepy voice telling him how great he could be, better than others, almost a hand in the dark pulling the strings and making him believe that passion hold a lot of power. He talked through his nightmares. But, in the shining morning, he had his daydreams. And _she_ was always there. Snoke made him feel invincible. But _she_ made him complete. _She_ was only a baby. Always crying and smiling…she didn't have a name. He decided to call her Ray, because she was always shining when he dreamed.

When he was fifteen, he professed The Jedi Code.

There is no emotion, there is peace.

There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.

There is no passion, there is serenity.

There is no chaos, there is harmony.

There is no death, there is the Force.

But his nightmares never stopped. And just as for Ray, the man he used to be during the said nightmares, had another name now. _Kylo Ren_.

When he was twenty, he found out about Darth Vader. Then Kylo Ren came to life. He stopped having his daydreams. Where was she?

The Force talked to him in a different way. It still flooded his blood, but not to bring him peace. To bring him strength. Power. He would finish whatever his grandfather started.

 _Give me strength, Grandfather._

At the beginning, he had a plan. He could go to the dark side and resist. _Give me your strength_. Come back and prove that Darth Vader was the only jedi able to bring balance because he had been in both sides of the Force. He would show to his mother how wrong she was about _everything_.

 _Peace is a lie, there is only passion.  
Through passion, I gain strength.  
Through strength, I gain power.  
Through power, I gain victory.  
Through victory, my chains are broken.  
The Force shall free me._

At twenty-five, Ben Solo was gone. His eyes were dark as the shadow of the night. Whispers inside his head telling him he had to go on with this path. Gone was Ray. Gone the nightmares and daydreams. However, he kept his plans. Snoke shouldn't found out about it. He couldn't.

When he was twenty-eight, _she_ appeared once again. Scavenging things. Where was she? In a desert world. This dream, a breeze inside his dark world, remembering him someone he wasn't anymore. Why now? When he opened his eyes, the insistent headache he had since he was fifteen was gone.

When he was thirty, he met her. The girl from Jakku. Rey. And the Force made him want to keep her. Whispering she was important to his path. He did. But the prize for capturing _the girl_ was an expensive one.

Kylo Ren killed Han Solo. He killed his _father. Give me strength, Grandfather. I shall finish what you started_. He killed Han Solo because Snoke had told him that the Force would consume him completely, closing the circle and bringing him to the darkside. And then, he could come back. He could do it.

But the moment his lightsaber penetrated his father's chest, he didn't feel free. Something inside him _died_. First, he thought it was the light dying inside of him. But that pain made him _love_ that man. He asked him to back home. The Force asked him to come back. The dark died inside of him that day. He couldn't belong to the light. He couldn't be dark.

Rey gave him a scar to remember him he couldn't go and come back. He had to be both. Killing his master and backing home was a long journey. But he found a grey path and his uncle took him back. As his mother. And _the girl_ didn't give up on him.

Now, he's thirty-five years old, having the miniature of an ewookie floating beside his head just like all the little toys in that room. He stared at those hazel eyes, and smiled when he heard her giggling.

"Well, well, Hannah Solo. Here we go again. I don't know if your mom is going to like it. She was happy thinking you were not force sensitive."

Hannah laughed more from her crib.

"Ben? Is she okay?" _Her_ voice came from the other room while he took the baby girl in his arms.

"Yes."

She would be okay. Everything was going to be different.

The Force is strength with him. With Rey. And with Hannah.


	2. Day 2 - His hair

30 days of Kylo Ren

Day 2 – His hair

"Fix your hair."

Their favorite sentence. He remembered the first day with he had his mask on. Anyone told him, not even a single person, to fix his dark wild mane. If freedom meant to hide behind a dark mask, he felt it at that moment. His Grandfather had to hide because he was deformed, but Kylo had to hide because he was…His Master, Snoke had told him he was _handsome_. Beauty didn't feel right to the dark side. Therefore, he put that mask on.

But it was awful inside the mask. He could feel his scalp sweating and his hair getting oily. The problem was how to find and buy shampoo inside the First Order. How the terrible Kylo Ren would ask someone to land the _Finalizer_ and buy him some shampoo because he couldn't tolerate his hair without the soft waves he always had?

Well, he did ask _someone_ he believed would keep his reputation safe. Captain Phasma. And he found out they shared the same hair issue! She also told him General Hux used to have many cosmetic supplies stocked inside his quarters. _Of course, he had._ Asshole.

She gave him a kit. It was for kids but she assured him it was the best thing for their problem. The bottles were like droid miniatures and the smell…it smelled like his old bedroom. He loved each one of his little droids.

When he met _her_ , his hair was _gorgeous_.

However, when he left the First Order, he met another hair issue in Ahch- To. Dry hair. The ocean, the sand – he hated sand -, the wind. Dry hair. He had never had that! In addition, he didn't have Captain Phasma to help him this time. He asked another _person_. Chewie would help him with that. And he did! He brought him a Darth Vader bottle. A miraculous Darth Vader shampoo!

Curious thing: he never understood why he had to replace it so fast, if only he used it. It wasn't _her_. She didn't need it. She was naturally perfect.

After the war, he started having another hair issue. But he was okay with this one. "Fix your hair" she says and he could only smirk knowing that it was her fault his dark mane become so messy. Lovemaking wasn't a problem at all.

"Fix your hair! Your uncle is coming to visit us and I have to go find his favorite shampoo. You know where I can buy those Darth Vader's bottles you used to have when we lived in Ahch-To?" She asked while getting dressed.

"WHAT?"


	3. Day 3 - Resilience

30 days of Kylo Ren

Day 3 – Resilience

 _Stay strong._ He thought looking at her.

* * *

 _Stay strong._ Han Solo used to say every time he felt sick when the Millenium Falcon departed. It was a tough mission come back to himself when everything inside him wanted to find its way out of his stomach.

 _Caoraro caorcoowhrr!_ Chewie used to growl when he had to put antiseptic on all his bruises.

 _Stay strong._ Leia Organa commanded when he cried desperately saying to her he didn't want to leave with his uncle. He was only eight. He didn't want to be strong. He felt weak thinking he would never see her again. But he obeyed.

 _Stay strong_. Uncle Luke whispered those words every night he had _those_ nightmares. He couldn't be himself. He had to be strong. The son of Leia Organa, Han Solo and the nephew of the last jedi alive, Luke Skywalker. Therefore, he kept his own being quiet trying to be strong and be what was expected from him: The Wonderful Republic Heir, born under its values and raised to be the image of a perfect system. Where the peace would reign. Where the truth would reign, where the light would shine brightly.

But at night, it was difficult to be Ben Solo. He wanted to be another thing. Great, powerful. He wanted it for himself not for the sake of the galaxy. But that was passion. Passion was for a sith not for a jedi. Then, he kept it as a secret.

 _Be strong. Fight against your instincts. The Force shall free me_. He would whisper to himself during his meditations.

But when he was twenty, all his idols were destroyed by the _truth._ How could he still be Ben Solo knowing his grandfather was the one responsible for bringing the darkness and the balance to the galaxy? He felt empty and hurt. If before he felt dirty and ashamed of his dreams, now he could understand them. Ben solo wasn't good enough for Darth Vader. He was a silly stupid boy. He wasn't the heir of Anakin Skywalker. But Kylo Ren could be enough.

Darth Vader was born over the death of Padmé Amidala. And Kylo Ren was born over the death of Ben Solo. _Stay strong_. Snoke would whisper inside his mind when he slaughtered the other padawans. He would never forget their bodies and faces.

But Kylo had a plan. Snoke was only his master. He would learn and kill him. He didn't need to be a sith. He wanted to prove he could bring balance once again to the galaxy.

 _Give me your strength, Grandfather_. How many times he throw up after killing and slaughtering for the First Order. Crying like a baby, weak and stupid boy. _Give me your strength._

He was resilient until the day he met with Rey. He lost his head. The _girl_ from his dreams. Facing him. Hating him. Resilient? He let her walls down during the interrogation. How could he be strong for that? Someone who could beat him and he didn't even hate her. Au contraire he wanted her _closer_.

He wasn't Kylo Ren, Lord of the Knghts of Ren anymore. Could he be Ben Solo again after everything?

After Han. _Stay strong, kid_. _Back home._ _You don't need that mask_. _BEN!_

Snoke took him after that to finish his training. But after each section of mind intrusion, not even the lashings tortures would make him forget or stop him from regretting his father.

Kylo Ren died the day Han Solo died. Han had found Ben.

Now, it was up to him to make his way back. Find the courage of being Ben Solo again. Beg for forgiveness. All broke inside, weak, but still him. _Ben_ , _stay strong. We are coming for you._ _She_ had said through their shared bond.

 _Stay strong_. He did it. And he found his way back.

When the final battle took place, he was himself again. Different from the first Ben, but sill himself. This time, he asked someone else to be strong. _Stay strong. It's over_. But her eyes were shining weakly and a light smile took her lips. _Promise me you'll be Ben Solo. Stay strong, Ben._

No! She couldn't die. Yet, she did it. She wasn't inside his mind as always since Starkiller Base. _Rey!_

How could him be himself without her? Ben Solo couldn't live over her dead body. He wouldn't let it be. _Stay strong._ He did it. He took her hands and concentrated on her Force Signature. He could feel his energy passing to her. Listening her gasping and breathing again that made him strong.

* * *

 _Stay strong._ He thought looking at her.

"Okay, sweetheart. Now, come to daddy. Come here". He was kneeling with Rey at his left waiting for Hanna first steps.

The baby laughed to him and to her mother. She made one step towards him and almost fell. Rey tried to reach for her, but he stopped her. "Hannah Solo, stay strong, love. Come here!"

The baby smiled again and made her way to his arms.

"Stay strong? Ben! She's just a baby!" Rey said laughing.

"Yeah. And look how strong she is."


	4. Day 4 - With Han

30 days of Kylo Ren

Day 4 – With Han

"KID! Where are you? I'm home! Leia! Where's my welcoming committee?"

Han used to scream that every time he was back from his _travels_. His mother used to ignore him for half an hour to show how intensely she despised him. However, after those 30 minutes, he would kiss her passionately and make Ben wait with Chewie for his gifts with a scowl on his face for more than two hours.

After making peace, Han spent all the time left with him. He used to speak about all his great adventures and dangerous negotiations, as if they were epic stories. _Of course_ , Han Solo and his loyal friend Chewie were the big heroes, always saving the galaxy. The boy used to love when he was home because he knew he would leave soon. Han was the best father ever: to play and to tell stories. Not to be there when he had his nightmares or when he started to levitate things when he was too excited, too angry or too sad.

"Leia! He's doing it again!" his face would assume a fearful expression. Han was afraid of his powers and Ben could feel it. It hurt. Ben had never told her father how he would cry at night asking to the Force to go away from him, so his dad could stay home. "There's too much Vader on him. I don't know how to react!" He would say to his mother when he thought their son was asleep. He never understood it.

When Ben was eight, he came home to say goodbye because the boy would leave to Luke's Academy.

"KID! Where are you? I'm home! Leia! Where's my welcoming committee?" and the same ritual took place.

Ben would never forget their last moment sharing his travels adventures.

"Wow!" he exclaimed putting a hand over the table forcing it to stay on the floor. "This is very dangerous, Dad! You shouldn't go again! I'm always worried. And mom too."

Han chuckled. "That's who I am, Ben. Han Solo is the best smuggler of the galaxy!"

"No. you're not. If you were the best, you wouldn't be in danger. You're a hero. Just like Mom and Uncle Luke."

"But I wouldn't be the best hero. And I want to be the best." He said smiling.

"Well, you're already the best father of the galaxy." Ben told him sadly. "But you're never here. Sometimes I'm afraid you'll get lost and never find your way back to us!"

Han seemed startled by that. His mouth fell ajar. "I'll always find my way back to you, Ben. It doesn't matter where you are."

"Do you promise?"

"I do."

"What if _I_ get lost?" Ben lifting an eyebrow mischievously to his father.

"Then I'll hunt each corner of the galaxy until I bring you home."

"But I'll have powers. I know you're afraid of me. I could beat you." The boy said laughing.

"Ben. I would die to bring you back. I'm afraid of this _thing_. But I'm even more afraid of losing you. Can you promise me you'll not forget me?"

"I promise, Dad." Ben spoke hugging him.

They would see each other again when Ben was ten. Then twelve. And fifteen. Always for their birthdays.

After that, Han Solo voice became letters, holocrons, holograms. Four by year. Until he was twenty. By then, Ben didn't want to hear from him anymore. Han Solo disappointed him. He loved being a _Solo_. Even more than being Leia Organa's heir. Or a Skywalker.

Becoming Kylo Ren meant to kill his origins. Snoke told him since the beginning that the day would come and he would have to choose between Ben Solo and Kylo Ren. But he had a plan. Follow the dark side and prove he wouldn't get lost.

 _She_ loved Han Solo before even knowing him. Starkiller had taught him a difficult lesson. Han Solo would disappoint _her_.

"BEN." That name. That voice. They hit straight in his heart making pain spread over his body. It was physical. His body was reacting with the same feeling when he was a boy. When _he_ used to come home. Kylo Ren felt _relieved_. _He_ was there. But he remembered himself quickly.

"Take off that mask. You don't need it." He wanted to see _Ben._ But he didn't exist anymore. At least, he wanted to believe it. Han solo tried to alert his _son_ of Snoke's manipulation. The knight accused him of being a liar and a thief.

He said his mother missed him and asked him to come back _home_. Kylo started to cry. He was being torn apart. He couldn't do it. _Home,_ he thought sarcastically. Where he wasn't welcomed. Where his own _father_ feared him. He had betrayed him. He was never there.

Lord Ren knew his duty. Something Han Solo never did. He was angry. So angry, he could feel the dark energy surrounding him. So angry he decided to make his _father_ believe he could come back. Kylo asked his help to do what he had to do. Han Solo believed he could do _anything_. Well, he would surprise him this time. _So angry_. He hated him. _So angry_. Every single night he cried wanting to be _loved_. _So angry_. Every tear dropped when he left _home_ on that ship. _So angry._ He put all of his pain on the single movement to ignite his lightsaber and make him suffer as he had.

However, the dark feeling after that maleficent act didn't make him stronger. He felt _weak_. Han Solo's last act proved he was _right_. Snoke had lied…his _father_ had let his own fingers touch his face one last time. Kylo Ren saw on his face that he wanted to believe his son hadn't become that horrible creature he was seeing. Ren fell to the ground taken by the dark void he felt through the Force. "Thank you" He had said not recognizing his own voice. As dark as the dark hole that weakened his strength.

Han Solo would haunt his nights and days. He couldn't hide from his own past.

 _Ben! Come back home! Your mother misses you. I'll hunt each corner of the galaxy until I bring you home._ _I would die to bring you back. I'm afraid of this thing. But I'm even more afraid of losing you. Can you promise me you'll not forget me?_

Forget. He wished he could. Han Solo had done it. He had come to look for him and bring him back home.

Forget. How? Han would be his burden for the rest of his existence.

He had kept his promise although.

He should keep his: never forgetting and coming back home.

Ben Solo came back home.

They celebrated all his father's birthdays with Chewie. First to maintain the tradition. He was a hero after all. Han Solo.

However, Ben had another reason to celebrate it. Now, he believed his father loved him on his own way.

 _I'll always find my way back to you, Ben._

He did it again. _That scoundrel_ , as his mother would say. He kept his promise once again. Hannah Solo was born the same day her grandfather did. She was named after him. Twice. _Han_ was not enough. _Han_ was just the name of someone who had not learnt he had to stay home. But _Han_ had learnt his way back. From back to front then, _nah_. From death to life: _Hannah_. A name for someone who could leave but who would always be welcomed home. Just special as she is. Without fear. Without lies.

Han Solo was the best father of the galaxy. He was not perfect. Yet he was the best. He taught Ben how to be a father. _Don't repeat my mistakes, kid._ He used to say _. You're better than me_.

No. Ben wasn't better. He was a _Solo_. That would be enough.


	5. Day 5 - LIght Side

Day 5 – Light Side

"I can't believe you're not going to tell me what is wrong, Ben! I want to help you! Tell me!"

He remembered Leia Organa didn't like losing control. She used to try hard to control her husband, her son, her brother, the galaxy, but none of them followed her commands. Her boy, however, was always who left her the more upset. Ben still remembered that day. The first day when the Light _hurt_ him. He was seven years old when his uncle started teaching him some techniques to control his temper and to not throw things on people when they would tell him "No".

He was a smart boy and he knew every change on his force signature when his mood changed. The Light side always felt as if he was floating in the ocean, as if he was the ocean itself and his powers were like his own waves, emanating from him in a total well balanced equation. The Dark felt as if one of those waves had turned against him and made him sink into the deep ocean.

Sometimes when he focused on the Light, his mind would project an intense shining flash that would leave a headache as a gift. On the other hand, the Dark could leave his sight unfocused and he couldn't see at all. Sometimes, he would be able to find an equilibrium, something in the middle and nothing would happen with his dark eyes.

That evening he was levitating some old books and he felt something pulling him and calling him to try harder. The Dark used to do it. Not the Light. He focused on his desk and tried. This time the Light was so intense as if it was exploding inside his mind, a star making its last spectacle before it turned into a black hole. However, the dark never came. His body started shaking as if he had been electrocuted and when Ben opened his eyes, he was… _blind_. An intense blue glow making him _see_ everything through the Force. He panicked. He didn't want to be blind. After five minutes of desperation, his sight was back and he found his voice to scream.

"Tell me!" His mother asked again wiping his tears.

She wouldn't understand. No one would understand. Not even Uncle Luke. He was going to say it was just the Dark Side again and that he had to control his temper.

When he dreamed of _her_ though, the intense Light was welcome.

Kylo Ren understood very well the pull to the Light. He tried to suffocate it with his training and keeping the ashes of his victims to remember his nature as member of the Dark side.

 _Forgive me, Grandfather. I feel it again. The pull to the light._

When he dreamed of _her_ , the Light was always welcome.

 _Forgive me, Grandfather. I feel it again. The pull to the light._

On Starkiller base, the Light tempted him again. It was _her_. He wanted to keep her with him. Rey pulled him to the Light. To her.

 _You feel compassion for her_. Snoke would say. He was wrong.

It wasn't compassion. It was passion. Raw, uncontrolled and surrounded by _light_. Passion should be something from the Dark Side. He had already been a passionate apprentice for power. He knew how it felt. With Rey was something out of control as well as in the Dark, hungry, but _sacred_.

 _Forgive me, Grandfather. I feel it again. The pull to the light_.

But when he killed Han, the Light left him for a long excruciating year. Their bond silenced. She _hated_ him, but he couldn't bare that.

When he left the First Order, he told his uncle he couldn't be fully committed with the Light Side. The Dark would torture him if he did. Just like the Light had done before. Master Luke told him he had found some old holocrons talking about the Grey Jedi. The middle. _Balance_. To accomplish that goal, he would have to leave Rey behind. She was too _glossy_ for him. He was nothing but a burden to her path. Her path as a jedi wouldn't allow them time they kissed, he would feel dizzy, almost blind and _satisfied_.

He remembered the day he told her he was leaving. She asked why. He refused to tell her.

"I can't believe you're not going to tell me what is wrong, Ben! I want to help you! Tell me!"

"Our paths are different now. We can't be together. Let that be enough."

"I won't let you leave without a good explanation. You didn't care last night when I went to your bedroom. Now, you're so concerned about my path."

"I can't be with you." He screamed. "It's killing me! It _hurts_. And I'm afraid someday I'll lose my control and hurt you. It's so good, Rey, that I loose myself when I'm with you. Please, I have to go. I won't be jedi like you."

"You can't go. You can't _leave_ me. Everyone leaves me. And you promised."

"I'll come back. I'll come back to you, sweetheart. I promise. But for now, I have to go."

 _There it was. The Light. Hurting him again._

He left. She kept contact with him through their bond. After one year of exile, he woke up to find her in the hall of his humble house.

"Grey, you say. I can't be a jedi anymore, Ben. The Light isn't enough to me. There's not balance when you're not there. I'm sorry if I hurt you. But now, I don't shine anymore. Your light is not there to make _mine_ shine."

" _My_ light?" He asked surprised.

"Yours. I've never told you because it felt so _right_ to lose control with you that I-"

Rey never finished her sentence. He kissed her and he could feel it. The raw energy shining again, _their_ energy. Her light, his light.

The Light Side wasn't enough. Passion wasn't enough. But love, love was light, dark and grey.

It was the Force finally balanced.


	6. Day 6 - With Leia

30 days of Kylo Ren

Day 6 – With Leia

"The end. Now, Ben Solo, it's bedtime!"

"But, I don't want to sleep, Mom!". The boy exclaimed yawning in despite of his wish. "I want to ask you something."

"Ok. Just one little thing."

"Why did you name me Ben?"

"We lost a friend. Obi-Wan Kenobi, a great jedi. But a great part of his life he spent hided under the name Ben."

"Why you didn't name after my grandpa?"

"Well, you'll always be Bail Organa's grandson. You're his heir, his legacy while Obi-Wan would be just a name by now. So, we decided you, Ben Organa Solo should have the name of our best heroes."

"Wait. Do you really mean Dad is a hero? He'll be so happy when he finds out you've finally admitted it! I'm gonna-"

"Hold on there, Ben." She interrupted his excitement pushing him back against the pillows. "You're going to sleep and you'll never tell your father that I think of him as a hero."

Ben rolled his eyes. "Fine. I have another question. The last one, I promise." He swore under her intense frown. "Why you and Uncle Luke have different surnames if you are brothers?"

"Oh. Well, different families have adopted us."

"Adopted? And have you ever met your parents?"

"No."

That was the first time she lied to him about his grandparents.

"Do you know if your father or mother were like Uncle Luke and I?"

"No. I don't"

Second lie.

"I wish you were like us, mom. You would understand the Force and you would like."

"Maybe. But I'm not like you, sweetheart."

Third lie.

Leia Organa was always busy ruling the galaxy. From Royalty to army leader, the respectful General didn't have time to her son. Between the Senate and her absent husband, Ben lived with her mother during eight years. Eight years of "Don't wait me for dinner", "Threepioo, can you stay with Ben today?", or "Luke! I'm so glad you're here! His baby-sitter is afraid of his powers, can you stay with him?"

Therefore, Ben tried to enjoy her company as much as possible. He adored Leia Organa. She was clever, kind, generous, helped everyone and she had a perfect long hair. He liked spying her combing her long locks and making them become a different and exotic hairstyle. She tried hard to keep him with her but bringing a force sensitive kid to the Senate Council wasn't an easy task even if there were other children there. Actually, the problem was with them. They didn't like the heir of Bail Organa and bullied him for hours and hours.

Ben hated when he had to go with her to work. However, he would obey if it meant not leaving to live with his uncle Luke and without her. One day, a boy said he looked more like Darth Vader's grandson than Leia Organa's son. He was very upset after that. He knew how deeply his mother hated Darth Vader and it wasn't fair with him. The other boy ended with a broken leg without any touch from the force sensitive kid. He did all with his mind.

His mother had to make a difficult choice.

"You're going with your uncle. You have to, Ben. You'll learn and become a jedi. Just like Obi-Wan was."

"I don't want to be a jedi! I want to be a Senator. Just like you. _Please, forgive me_. _Don't push me away."_ He implored.

But she was relentless.

She didn't visit frequently as she had promised. He knew since the beginning she wasn't going to keep that promise. She was too busy for him. Besides, he had disappointed her. Then, he decided he was going to become the jedi she had asked him to be. He fought his nightmares and the pull to the dark he used to feel to keep his path and be the son she wanted him to be.

When he was twenty-three, his uncle assigned him a mission on Naboo to look for old files from the Old Jedi Temple. He found out more than what his uncle had asked him to. He found out about Padme Amidala and her jedi guard, Anakin Skywalker. _Skywalker_. His grandfather was force sensitive and had become Darth Vader. _You look more Darth Vader's grandson than your own mother's son._ A voice whispered inside his head, " _She knew it"._

He didn't come back to the Academy. Instead, he went to visit her. When he arrived at her office, she said to the receptionist when she announced that _Ben was waiting for her_.

"Ben? But I'm not waiting anyone called Ben…"

They fought.

He left.

Kylo Ren hated Leia Organa more than the rest of his family. He used Han Solo to go deeper into his anger. He used Luke Skywalker as a reminder of his dark path. But her…he wouldn't even think of her, trying to delete her image on his mind. She wasn't worthy of his thoughts or any instant of his life. He chose to do as Darth Vader to show her how powerful her father was to do as he pleased, Light or Dark.

"Your mother misses you."

 _Mother_. So long since the last time he dared to think of her like this. Unwelcomed tears rolled down his cheeks. He wanted to come back. The Light was tempting him again. He wouldn't do as she wanted. His next step put an abysm between him and her. He had killed Han. His own father. That wasn't way back to her. He had lost Leia Organa. Forever.

When he deserted the First Order he thought on going to an exile after talking to his uncle. But Rey had a surprise for him. She brought _her._

Leia looked mesmerized looking at him. He felt very uncomfortable. She touched his face in a perfect reproduction of his father's last act.

"Ben. I thought you're gone."

His struggled to keep his posture. Suddenly, she slapped him. "It was my fault. He always wanted to tell you the truth. You killed your own father."

He lost his fake strength, kneeling before her and burying his face on her abdomen, while his arms hugged her by the waist.

"Please. Forgive me. Don't push me away, _Mom_."

It was awkward to use that word again. Yet, it felt wonderful. Ben felt relieved.

Leia forgave him but their relationship took time to improve. They would try to work together for the Resistance and talk in a very awkward and cold way. The things changed when he introduced her to his baby: Hannah Leia Organa Skywalker Solo, named after the best heroes of the galaxy.

Hannah has his mother's hair and now Ben watches both of them doing their coiffures. And he knows she always tell Hannah how her grandfather was a great hero.


	7. Day 7 - His Moles

30 days of Kylo Ren

Day 7 – His moles

Her fingers were lazily caressing his face. She used to do that every time she would wake up before him. She does it since the first time they slept together and he's not the one who's going to stop her. He still remembers their first morning sharing a bed.

* * *

"20, 21,22…" she whispered while letting her fingers draw a line on his cheeks and jaw.

Without opening his eyes, he asked, "What are you doing?"

She too her hands away from him and her face blushed with embarrassment. "Nothing. Good morning." She replied shyly.

"A very good morning, you mean." He replied giving her a slight kiss that became a heated one on instants. Ben was crazy about her. After meeting her, it took one year and 5 months to kiss her for the first time and more three months to make them share a bed. He wanted to keep kissing her, but he knew he couldn't. They had to talk. During the last three months, she had been anything but sure about them being together. Each one of their kisses had a sad end surrounded by guilt and regret. He wanted to know what they _were._

"We need to talk." He breathed out when she broke the kiss to take some air.

" _Right now_?". She asked with her eyes wide opened.

"Yes. Last night was wonderful. I want to know where we stand right now. I don't want to hear you say that you only went on your instincts as you did last time we kissed. It's complicated. I know. But we have to try to define _this._ "

She sighed rolling her eyes. "Ben, it's early and I don't want to talk about it right now. I don't want to fight you and go on a week without bearing to look at your face again.

"We are not fighting."

"Yes, we are. We've just got started."

He opened his mouth and closed it before he dared to speak again. "Ok. What if I ask you a question and you answer me with the truth and only the truth?"

"All right. If that makes you happy. Though I would prefer another thing to make you happy."

Ben really wanted to kiss her again. But he didn't. "What was the first thing you thought when I took my mask off on Starkiller base?"

That memory terrified him. He wanted to know how she felt before feeling her through the Force and before their bond.

"Your moles." She answered without hesitation or even blink.

"What? I asked you to be serious about this."

"I am being serious. Let me can explain better. The man that I saw under the mask left me intrigued. I was expecting a monster with a physical deformation. Not you. When you came near, I got even more intrigued for your moles. People on desert planets have moles due to the intense sun exhibition. You lived on space, under a mask _and_ you had a lot of them. Even your moles try to prove how contradictory you are"

Ben couldn't believe it. "My moles, you say? But you called me a monster anyway."

"Well, you killed your own father, so you became a monster even with your handsome face. That same night you also taught me another thing: the line between a monster and a good person is very thin. That night I wanted to kill you. It would have been so easy…the dark was tempting me and the only thing stopping me were your moles. They made me remember Rey from Jakku. I could be the monster right now. Besides, I found out with you that a monster can come back don't matter what they did."

He couldn't answer properly to the tender smile she was giving him.

"Do you still like my moles?"

"Yes, and if it wasn't for your interruption I would be counting them up instead of heaving this kind of conversation." She said drawing a line from his forehead to his lips. "Now, it's my turn. I want to ask something to you." She said leaning on his chest.

"Go on. Ask." His voice was whisper. She was so beautiful with her freckles.

"Why did you take so long kissing my whole body last night? Were you looking for something special?" She was kissing his jaw line, making the inhale-exhale process a complicated exercise.

He gulped before answering.

"I've found a lot of special things, but I took my time kissing each one of your freckles. Differently from you, I've accomplished my mission." He said brushing his lips on hers.

"Oh". She was blushing again. "Do you like freckles?"

"I more than like them. I lov-"

 _Knock, knock!_

"Ben! Get up!. Uncle Luke's voice came from the other side of his door. "You're late for your training today and Rey must be already working.

Ben rolled his eyes before answering, "I'm going, uncle!"

Rey gave him a last kiss before climbing the window.

* * *

"…19,20…"

He smiled. "You're counting them again. How many?"

"I don't know, Ben. I always stop to look at you or to kiss your cheeks that I forget about the moles and everything else."

"I still love your freckles."

She chuckled. "I know that. You made it pretty clear last night."

"Did you like it?"

"What? Last night?"

"Yeah, last night.

"Well, I more than liked it. I lov-"

 _Knock, knock!_

"Ben, Hannah is awake! But I want to sleep now. Come over here!

 _His uncle_ always interrupting him. "I'm afraid our little moles – freckles competition will have to wait for later." He said letting the warm sheets of their bed.

"Leave him with her and come here, Ben! I want to count your moles after that. I _deserve_ it."

"But Hannah…"

"She'll be okay with him. He says he wants to sleep but it's not true. He wants you to prepare her food while he plays with her. He did the same with me last time he stayed with us." She said smiling.

"Yeah. Maybe you're right. Do you want to start recounting?" He asked mischievously, backing to her.

"One, two, three…four…fi…ve…s…"

Kylo Ren hated his moles. But, she loved them. He could live with that.


	8. Day 8 - Fighting

30 days of Kylo Ren

Day 8 - Fighting

Ben hates fighting.

It's past midnight and he can't close his eyes to sleep on the unconformable couch. He has to wake up early in the morning to bring her mother to stay during her vacancies with them. One week sleeping on the couch and _she_ doesn't admit she's wrong this time. So wrong. He loves her but this time she has hurt him deeply and he won't relent.

Besides, he's always the first one to say "I'm sorry", because he can't deal with the pain he feels in the chest when they yell at each other or when they disagree about some silly and stupid thing.

The reasons where nothing as always, but what she said…it hit his wounds.

He sighed trying to understand how one day he used to like fighting.

* * *

He always liked fighting. During his life as a padawan, he learned that practicing the forms helped him to balance the raw energy that used to flow on his blood and mind. Physical exhaustion made him sane at the end of the day and more: the days he practiced dueling were the days when he could sleep without having the nightmares or that _voice_ haunting his mind. He hated meditating. He felt fragile as if relaxing would open his inner ways and leave him vulnerable to _him_.

He felt calm and relieved after the duels. It wasn't about winning. At least, not at the beginning and during a long time. He liked the movement, the hits...his body worked in unison with his mind and he could feel the harmony symphony of his being and the Force. He also used to like the physical preparation for dueling. There was no surprise when Ben Solo became the best warrior of the Academy because he was the only one who really enjoyed waking up at dawn to start doing his exercises and to practice his new forms.

If winning was a consequence of his dedication, so be it. He liked the smile his uncle would show every time he did a good job dueling with lightsabers. He wanted to win to feel good with himself. Therefore, he never lost a confrontation. Never.

When he became Kylo Ren, winning was an obligation. It didn't bother him. He always did win. He never disappointed his master. Snoke even tried to make him a loser with his mind torture tricks, but Kylo had a long history with fighting against his own thoughts. He never beat his master, because he couldn't treat the Supreme Leader with torture. However, he did learn all the mind tricks he could with his new master.

Fighting for the dark side made he feel different. It wasn't balance, but precipice. His descent on the dark got stronger with each training, the raw energy fed by angry, passion, and an obsession: be the best. There was no surprise when he became the Master of The Knights of Ren. _Lord Ren_. He couldn't hide how proud he felt seeing Snoke smiling with satisfaction.

Kylo Ren had _never_ lost _. Until her._

First, she resisted his mind intrusion. After she beat him.

Well, if he has to be fair, Rey had never fought the true _Kylo Ren._ He didn't _want_ to fight her. Or intrude on her mind. But he wanted to keep her for him. And _that_ he lost.

The year after that episode made him feel as if he was a child again. He had to learn how to deal with a Force Bond and fight against his own mind again. He had to fight against his master's mind tricks to hide that connection with the jedi. He had to learn new forms to deal with the dark side, but what he hated the most was _fighting with her_. Through the bond or when she used to appear with the Resistance during a First Order's mission. It was a foolish and stupid acting. Fake. There wasn't peace on their lightsabers duels because he didn't want to hurt her.

She thought differently though. Each one of her hits against him proved how she liked and wanted to hurt him. But, when it was over and they would fight again through the bond, she would say, "Don't go soft on me. They will notice."

When she helped him to escape the First Order, they fought the whole way back to Ahch-To. For everything. He hated it.

They used to train with staffs, because the first time they dueled with sabers she lost her equilibrium and his saber almost burned her skin. She didn't talk to him for a week. _So stubborn. So beautiful_. At night, trying to sleep, he could feel his chest heavy. Suffering. He didn't want to fight with her. He _wanted_ her.

Even their first kiss started with a fight and ended with them yelling at each other. Something like "I didn't want to kiss you. You've manipulated me" and "Yeah. I did manipulate you when you came over me."

They stopped with that when _she_ finally decided that she loved him. It took time. He had told her how he felt during one of their make out sessions that hard turned into a stupid bickering session about _Finn_.

"Ok, Rey. I got that you lie to yourself saying that if he were here you wouldn't be kissing me. You know what? That's fine to me. I'm done! I _love_ you. And I'm sorry you're in love with _Kylo Ren._ I'm not training, kissing, or listening to your voice on my head anymore. I'm done!"

It took one week.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I don't like Finn the way I… _like_ you." she had said.

"It's not enough to me. I will keep my distance."

"What? But I've just admitted I like you. You can't deny that your past makes difficult to anyone to like you the way I do!"

"Oh. _Thank you_!" He said sarcastically. "You're right. You're so generous with me. I'm sure when we kiss you're just pitying me. You can _like_ another person if you _want_."

"You know very well that we can't choose those things. And I'm bonded to you, which means I'll never get rid of you."

Ben lost his patience. "You know very well this bond doesn't work like that. It doesn't influence your choices. I more than like you. Your pity, generosity and frustration about _liking_ someone you're supposed to hate are not enough to me. Thank you, but I decline."

She didn't reply. He had finally _won_. And he didn't feel well. Or in peace with his decision. He turned to leave the hut.

"I love you." She whispered. "I don't want to love anyone else. I admire you for your past actually. It takes a lot of courage to admit our own mistakes and make a step back. I was wrong making you believe you didn't deserve my love. I don't want to fight anymore against everything I'm feeling right now."

He couldn't believe his ears. "What did you just say?"

" That I was wrong. I'm sorry."

"No. The other _thing._ " He said cautiously approaching her.

Her eyes shone but she remained serious. "That I love you."

"And?" He took another step towards her.

"You're going to make me repeat everything, aren't you? Fine. I love you. I don't want to love anyone else. I won't love anyone else the way I love you."

One victory.

After that, they got even stronger on their physical training. Fighting and dueling with his partner became something so sublime. Mind, body and heart working together, no parts missing.

* * *

Hannah cried in her room and he went to see her. But, _she_ was already there. He stayed watching them both from the threshold.

"Hello, Honey Hannah. What's going on with you? Are you hungry? Or you have one of your little diaper's surprises for mommy?"

She took Hannah from her crib laughing. "It's a diaper surprise then. Let's get rid of it." She took their baby to the diaper changing table. "You know, Hannah, Mommy is sad. She loves Daddy, but he's so stubborn sometimes. Do you believe he has been blocking our bond for one week? He doesn't even talk to me. Well, I did something very wrong. Do you think he can forgive me?"

Hannah giggled. "I'll take that as a yes." She sang and Alderaanian song Leia had taught her to make Hannah sleep again.

He came back to the couch closing his eyes. After ten minutes, she came pulling the sheet roughly from his body. "You have to make some room to me." She said trying to lie down with him. He was surprised by that action, but he did as she asked. Fighting against himself with all his forces, he didn't hug her back when she did.

"I'm sorry for saying you shouldn't fly with the Falcon." She started. "It's yours even if your father has given it to me."

"It's ours. I don't care if you don't want me to take it. That's not why I'm upset."

"I know. I'm sorry for saying that you hadn't any right to take it because your father didn't believe you could come back home when he gave it to me."

He took a sitting position staring at the wall. She did the same. "I hate fighting with you. But every time you want the things on your own way you bring the Kylo Ren topic over and over again. I can't fight _this_. I can't keep arguing when everything is already my fault due to my past. It's almost seven years with you. And you keep doing it. So, from now on, I won't talk anymore. I'll keep my silence and my distance until it doesn't hurt anymore."

"Look at me, Ben." He did it. "Keeping your silence and distance isn't going to help, okay? It's…I know I'm stubborn, stupid and that I don't think before speak those things. But I…"

"Don't you dare say you don't mean it. " He said through his teeth. "Once, twice. I can get it. But every single time I'm right, you lose your temper. I thought _I_ had to keep _mine_ under control. Not yours. Sincerely, I love you, but I think that fighting against the obvious thing is killing me. I don't want to fight anymore. I know it kills you to be with _Kylo Ren._ Maybe I should… " He couldn't complete the sentence. It hurt _so much_.

"What?" She frowned.

"I'm a warrior, Rey. A fighter. I was the best before you. No weakness. You make me weak. I do all you want because I'm afraid you'll leave me. But there's one thing I think it would make you love me more and that I can't give you. I can fight against my past, but I can't erase it. I'm sorry you're married with me. I'll always be Kylo Ren. But you don't have to be _married_ with me."

Rey seemed shocked. "Is it over? Can I talk now?"

"Go ahead."

"I don't hate the fact that you've been Kylo Ren. I hate the fact you always have better arguments than I do when we argue. So, I play dirty. That's all. It was a good tactic until now. Do you see? I'm the vulnerable one now. No more tactics. I'm a warrior too, you know. Do I make you weak, Ben? Sorry, but you have to apologize for that too. _You_ make me weak too."

"Stop fighting with me. This is not a competition. We should make each other stronger."

"Exactly. That's why I _like_ fighting with you. That's what makes this relationship stronger than anything else."

"What? Why?" he looked at her as if she had lost her mind.

She sat astride him. His body was already giving in. It was difficult to keep his focus. One week without _her_.

"I like making peace with you. I like when you kiss me wantonly trying to balance the effort to control yourself all the time. Losing control is healthy. I'm sorry I've hurt you so deeply this time. But I don't want your silence or indifference. I want you with me. On our bed and showing how stupid I am for fighting with someone that loves me so much that he's capable of thinking of leaving to make me happy. I love you. You're not weak. You're my fortress."

He grabbed her waist and felt her body relaxing against his. " _You're my fortress._ That's what _I_ say to you. You're stealing my sentence." He started kissing her neck and jawline.

"Are we fighting again?"

"No. You can keep it."

"You can take the Falcon tomorrow. Your father would be very happy."

"Thanks. I'll take care of it. Now, let's make peace." He kissed her opening their bond and showing how hard he wanted to be with her.

She gasped for air. "I love when you kiss me that way. I'll never fight this."

"I know."

Ben Solo loves fighting. It keeps him away from Kylo Ren. And closer to _her_.


	9. Day 9 - With Chewie

30 days of Kylo Ren

Day 9 – With Chewie

Kylo Ren hated mirrors. His body was the bare image of his defeats and he despised losing. Every scar was from a lost cause. First, the scar on his face. He failed when it should have been the easiest mission of his entire life: kidnap a girl. He couldn't imagine she would resist and he would be weak. His chest and back had lines and lines, reminders of his _master_ whipping punitions.

A curious thing: the scar he hated the most was the one that hurt less than the others did. It had been given by a Wokkie. That scar remembered him he had failed not only Han Solo, but every single person he used to love and that loved him back. For Chewbacca he wasn't Ben anymore. The little boy he watched when Han and Leia were very busy fighting was gone. Gone were all the afternoons spent in the garden playing with paper made ships making them fly through the flowers. Gone were the hugs. Ben was gone. His father's best friend made it clear when he opened fire against someone who used to call him uncle.

He hated the scar for the reason that it remembered how far he had gone and how impossible was to come back.

 _Coming back home was everything he wanted_.

When _she_ appeared at his quarters during an attack of the Resistance against the _Finalizer_ , to rescue him from the First Order, it had been a year after Starkiller. _He_ was with her. During the entire mission, he didn't talk to him.

Once the Falcon's closed behind them and Rey made the hyperdrive work, he turned to Chewie and tried to talk.

"Ahsc coorcrcro, oaacwoohahwo. ahww rooohu orwhwo- (I'm sorry, Chewie. If you kne-)"

"Cakworaorahwhrr cacrorcahahohooooor ohoowhao scraorwo aoacraao woracro aooo rooohu. ahsc whooao acworc wwoorc rooohu. ahsc acworcwo rhwooarahucwo rcworo racorwowa scwo aooo. (Speaking shyriiwook won't make that easy to you. I'm not here for you. I'm here because Rey asked me to.)"

"Ah'sc coorcrcro (I'm sorry.)"

"Ah waoowhao wohowowh orwhoooh ohacoo rooohu rarcwo rawhroscoorcwo. (I don't even know who you are anymore.)"

"Ben. I'm still myself. Even if it seems difficult to believe after…"

"Ah waoowh'ao ohrawhao aooo aoraanor rawhroscoorcwo. (I don't want to talk anymore.)"

And he kept his word. He didn't speak to Ben in the island during the first six months. He and Rey were already _together_. The first month _together_ was celebrated when Ben saved the Falcon with the Force from colliding during one mission to find some old books from the first Jedi Order.

She kissed him with the wookie in the command room and left to check the mechanics as if it were the most normal thing. He was left alone with Chewbacca.

"She is just…happy, you know. The Falcon isn't in pieces."

Chewie surprised him with an awkward hug and left. That was the beginning. After that they would talk, play Dejarik, cut the hair/fur of each other, use the same Darth Vader shampoo. They never talked about Han Solo, however.

When Hannah was born, his father's birthday as well, the first person to carry her after Ben was Uncle Chewie. Even before Leia.

"Chewie, I have a gift to you for his birthday. Her name's Hannah Solo. I know she's not your friend, but she can be your new best friend and you new _niece_." Ben spoke giving Hannah to the wookie.

"Rooohu oarawh oaraanan scwo huwhoaanwo rac rooohu raanohraroc waahwa. cacwo'c whooao scro whahwooawo. cacwo'c scro rrrcrawhwawhahwooawo. rawhwa scro whwooh wwrcahwowhwa. (You can call me uncle as you always did. she's not my niece. She's my grandniece and my new friend.)".

"Thank you, Uncle Chewie.

* * *

"Scrascra! (Mama!)"

Ben turned to look at his daughter, eyes wide opened. She was offering some hwotha berries to Rey from her high chair.

"Scrascra."

"Why is she growling like this?" Rey asked laughing.

"She's not growling. She's speaking Shyriiwook."

With her mouth ajar from her surprise, she asked marveled with the fact their baby was talking, "And what did she just say?"

Ben narrowed his eyes and suddenly blocked their bond. "Dada."

Rey raised her left eyebrow to him. "Why did you block me?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?" She left the kitchen screaming, "Chewie! Come here!".

"Ok, Hannah. Say 'warawara' (Dada)" He growled repeatedly. But his baby started screaming "Scrascra". And Rey was back with Chewie.

"I'm here, sweetheart." The gray jedi master said opening her arms to take the little girl from her chair smiling victorious for her husband who had a deep scowl on his face.

But Hannah raised her small arms to Chewie who take her away from the couple.

Ben smiled. Chewie was the best baby-sitter in the universe. His first word had been "uncle" in Shyriiwook. Not Dad as Han Solo wanted.


	10. Day 10 - With Luke

30 days of Kylo Ren

Day 10 – With Luke

Ben always respected his uncle profoundly. When he was just a little boy, Luke was probably the best reference he had. His mother always busy with the galaxy, his father, with the Falcon and Chewie with his father. Therefore, Luke Skywalker, the last jedi, was the only one who used to spend time with Ben. He used to feel so well with his uncle, as if he could finally be himself, no restraints, no scolding for levitating things, or making some glasses blow up.

His uncle was like him. And he preferred to live near his sister to stay with Ben. He who could have the galaxy, but choose a little boy.

One night, he was putting his nephew to sleep when Ben asked him, "Why do you stay with me, uncle? With the Force you could be…let me see…anything."

Luke smiled. "That's not how the Force works, Ben. A true jedi must put the others before himself. And follow the will of the Force."

The boy seemed startled by that. "Do you think the Force wants you to be only my uncle right now?"

"Yes. Well, that's what she whispers to me. What does she whisper to you?" Luke asked amused.

Ben's eyes seemed far away from the blue bedroom. "That I have to find _her_."

His uncle frowned. "Who's her?"

"The little girl from my dreams. But the Force whispers another thing to me. That I have to be a jedi like you." He looked worried to his uncle. "I know! Maybe that's the way to find her. Are you going to help me, uncle? Please!"

"Ben, calm down." He chuckled. Don't let your parents or even Chewie listen to that. They will say that I've manipulated you. But if that's what you want, I can help you. The day I open my academy you're coming with me if you want."

Uncle Luke was the best! He was a hero, smart, kind, powerful…everything his parents and Chewie were, but he _cared_. He was the only person who always stopped to listen to Ben and try to help him with the Light and Dark side conflicts.

He tried to control his nephew's impulses to the dark and explained that the voice he heard was the Dark whispering to him just as the Light used to do with the girls. Ben believed him, but he knew it was different.

Maybe that was the reason he hated his uncle even more than he hated his parents. After fighting with Leia Organa, he came back to the Jedi Academy and talked to his new master. Then, he became Kylo Ren. However, before leaving the Academy, he had a mission: opening the gates, so the other knights could come and destroy all the work of a life. Kylo Ren overwhelmed Ben Solo that night. Drowning on his passion, pain and thirsty for power, he didn't see his uncle, but his former master, a traitor. The worst of all.

He _hated_ him.

"BEN. Look at what you've done!" Skywalker screamed. "You've killed them, Ben! Children, your friends. You ruined everything only because you're letting yourself be seduced by him!".

"Seduced by him? What about you trying to control my powers only because you're afraid I'll be more powerful than you someday. You always tried to keep me from what I am.

"And who are you, Ben?"

"I'm your ruin, jedi. I'm Darth Vader's grandson. And my name's Kylo Ren."

Kylo didn't kill him that night. It wasn't his mission. After that, the last jedi vanished.

Snoke asked the Master of the Knights of Ren to hunt his former master. Each piece of the map was taken with blood and torture, which feed his angst and hate for Skywalker. Ren made a promise to himself: he would kill his uncle once they were reunited.

 _She had the map_. He knew it. But he didn't want to hurt the _girl_. And he lost it.

Next time he heard about his uncle was through _her._ One moment of weakness when he relaxed his mind. _"What do you want?"_ He asked roughly.

" _Nothing. I told your uncle I wanted an intense physical training. Do you know why?"_

" _I don't care about your choices."_

" _But I'm saying it anyway. I told him I wanted to be read to kill you next time we meet."_

" _Haha. Very well, then. Challenge accepted."_ He knew that was only a mask he was wearing. He didn't want to kill her. Seven months with her on his head made him feel almost _fine_ with this situation.

" _He laughed at me."_

" _I told you I could teach you everything I know about the Force. If yo-"_

" _Shhh. I don't want to talk about that. He laughed at me because he said I'm not being trained to kill you but to bring you back."_

" _He said what?"_ And he felt his chest heavy, tears wanting to roll down his face. Come back. After everything he had done…his _uncle_ believed he could come back.

After three months, Luke received him with a _hug._

"I'm sorry, Ben. Now, I can truly understand you. I didn't know before."

He didn't return the gest. He couldn't. He had killed and destroyed _everything_ that man had fought to build. Still he was the one apologizing.

"It took a lot of time to understand what was going on with you. But after you left I came here looking for some answers. Ahch-Too has the ruins of one of the first Jedi Temples. I traveled through the whole galaxy looking for answers. I know now. Everything.

They talked about the prophecies. The one that predicted the chosen one who would bring balance to the Force and the older one. Forgotten and discarded.

"First comes the day

Then comes the night.

After the darkness

Shines through the light.

The difference, they say,

Is only made right

By the resolving of gray

Through refined Jedi sight."

"Let's try again, Ben. Show me how you struggle with this. Being pulled by both sides must be unbearable. We'll find a halfway together. Through the Light."

"Thank you… _uncle._ "

But Ben Solo would disappoint Luke Skywalker once again. It was difficult to stay focused with the Light when passion would devour him. _Rey_.

"I'm leaving." He told the old jedi master.

"Oh. May I ask you why?" His uncle asked with his usual calm.

"I can't take the Light. I know we've been trying to make it less painful, but I still feel broken inside. I…want something different from that."

"Fine. Leave. I have a mission for you. Not as your master, but as your uncle." He gave Ben a box. "Take a look. They talk about the Gray jedi. Some books, files. Not light. Not dark. Maybe _this_ is the answer to your way. It requires some time alone to think and to become what they call Gray".

"Thank you for everything. I…You could've had rejected me. I'm sorry. I know I'm not the nephew you raised me to be. I destroyed everything you cared about. All your padawans, temples. I wish I could be the person you want me to be now. It hurts so much that I can't be it."

"I want you to find your way, Ben. But you're right. That's the second time you've disappointed me."

Ben looked to his own hands ashamed. "I'm sorry."

"The first time you didn't give me room to explain myself. I understood as I was the one asking for you control yourself constantly. I didn't tell you about Vader because I was afraid it would make you even more confused. Besides, I couldn't understand your relationship with the Force. So, I forgave you. But, now, I'm really disappointed. You're leaving _her_." Luke looked at his nephew mischievously.

"How do you know about _her_?"

"I have two eyes and I'm force sensitive. I'm not that stupid. Do you remember when you were a boy you used to dream about a girl? It's her, isn't?"

Ben became desperate. "Please, don't put her aside, uncle! She's wonderful and so devoted to your training. She's the future of your order. It was all my fault."

"I won't do anything against her path as a jedi. I fought you had more courage than that. Right now, you're really your father's son: you're leaving because you can't deal with the situation."

"It will be better for both of us."

"You've been dreaming on her for more than twenty years. Since you're five and she wasn't even born. Fight for her! Leave and come back."

Kylo Ren left the Light Side. His family. His dreams.

Ben Solo would be the man who would never leave. He would always come back.

When Rey went to meet him during his exile, she told him that her master had explained everything about his dreams. She told him she used to dream on him too. Daydreams and nightmares always with his voice saying, "I'll come back, sweetheart. I promise.".

Ben would always be thankful to his uncle. Even if he kept interrupting Ben and Rey make outs, using his Darth Vader shampoo, teaching Hannah how to play with sand or asking Ben to go and find a new padawans in the outer rim.

For the galaxy, he was Luke Skywalker, the Last Great Jedi. To Ben Solo, he was the man who never left. And he would be just like his uncle. He learned the lesson.


	11. Day 11 - First Order

30 days of Kylo Ren

Day 11 – First Order

He was entering the _Finalizer_ for the first time. After the massacre at the Jedi Academy, Snoke had sent a small vessel to take him away definitely. Now, he had the impression the giant ship was devouring his small tie fighter. Suddenly, he felt a presence behind his neck that made him prickle. A shadow attacked and possessed his mind. It stung more and more when he screamed to find some release. Then, it squeezed his throat not letting him breath. The dark blur started to materialize into something else that was covering his whole face: a mask. His mask. Kylo Ren.

His eyes snapped open. Bathed in cold sweat, his bedroom was completely dark. For one moment, he thought he was back with the First Order. Her legs intertwined with his brought him back from the nightmare. He was no longer that creature in a mask, but those reminders would always haunt Ben Solo.

* * *

It was cold. Dark. Sterile. As he made his way out of the ship, a red-haired man in a dark uniform came to greet him.

"Be welcome, Lord Ren." He said in a voice that showed how displeased he was for doing such a task. "The Supreme Leader asked me to show you your personal quarters."

"What's your name?"

"You may call me General Hux."

Kylo didn't answer with the usual 'Nice to meet you'. It wasn't a pleasure. It was an obligation for both men.

His new quarters darker than the main hall where Hux greeted him. Colder. Dark wall adorned a black bed covered with gray sheets. The low illumination provided a red and yellow glow. Turning to look for a refresher, there was a mirror a small table. On the table, some black clothes and a box. First, he contemplated his reflection in the mirror. His hair was a mess, his eyes surrounded by a light gray denouncing the three nights he spent without sleeping. His jedi tunic tainted with blood.

 _Jedi killer_ , the other knights had called him.

No tears shed. His heart was full of darkness. His eyes were rimmed with red and where you would find before a sea of honey-brown kindness seemed then as a deep black hole. Looking into those eyes was like looking to the shadow itself. Empty.

The mirror was actually the door to the refresher. He took the clothes with him and entered the small room. After the shower, he got dressed with his new uniform. Slowly. Each piece felt heavier as if it was an armor. First his pants. His boots. A shirt. A tunic. A belt. His gloves. Heavy. As if he was wearing a night without moon and stars. Heavy in all its glory darkness.

He stepped out of the refresher closing the door behind him. He looked at himself in the mirror again. A new man. Forged into darkness. Opening the box and touching carefully the thing inside of it, he took out his new face. Kylo Ren didn't have eyes, hair, moles. He wasn't a man. He was born over the cadaver of Ben Solo. He was a new beginning.

He put on the mask. Suffocating. Looking through the visor, he realized that he couldn't see clearly. His sight was dark, haunted. A deformed sight haunted by shadows. Kylo Ren couldn't see the things as they were. His mask was the barrier between him and the truth that was his family.

Ben Solo was gone. The First Order would raise a new leader. The Master of the Knights of Ren finally felt welcomed.

* * *

Ben freed himself from Rey's embrace and left their warm bed. He was afraid again. Afraid for his family. The nightmares with the First Order never left him. They remembered Ben of the other nightmares that used to haunt his bedtime when he was only a boy. Visions that would make him fear the future then and now.

Hannah was _his_ daughter. If she had the same problems, would he be able to help her?

He went to the living room and sat on the couch with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. Warm tears fell down his cheeks after a bad restrained sob. He didn't deserve his family. He shouldn't be with them.

"Ben? What are you doing here? Come back to bed!" Rey's voice came from the other side of the room.

Without looking at her, he gulped hard and felt her approaching him slowly.

"Are you ok?" She asked concerned.

Finally, he dared look at her. "I shouldn't be with you and Hannah. You'll be both caring a burden that is all mine. How am I going to tell her about the First Order and Kylo Ren? She'll hate me, Rey." He was crying desperately. "I can't bear it."

"We'll find a way. She's force sensitive too, Ben. She's going to understand what the Dark side can do. She'll never hate you. I promise." His wife kneeled before him putting her delicate hands over his knees.

"Exactly. She's force sensitive. What if she reacts the same way I did with the true about my family?"

Rey grabbed his face and looked deeply into his honey-brown eyes. "Ben, Kylo Ren is gone. The First Order is over. They are not going to haunt our baby and if someone does it, we're going to protect her. There'll be no more lies, she'll know the truth, because we're going to explain everything to her. She'll have both parents with her. And if someday she falls, we're going to rescue her. Together. Don't be afraid of your past. Let it go."

"Would you hold me, please?". He needed her. She smiled and sat on his lap putting her arms around his neck while he tightened their embrace and inhaled the sweet fragrance of her soft skin. It was enough to make him feel better.

They stayed like this for a long time until Hannah interrupted them."

"When is she going to sleep the whole night? He asked smiling."

"I don't know, but now it's your turn, Dad."

"But…earlier it was my turn too." Ben looked at her startled. "You're cheating, Rey Solo."

She seemed hurt. "No. I'm not. Apparently, your terrible past with the First Order and Kylo Ren doesn't matter when she wants to be with _you_. If I go there now, she's not going to eat. She's just going to cry until I take her to you."

Ben chuckled. "You're jealous!"

"No, I'm not. I know my daughter loves me…"

"Be careful," he teased her. "Jealousy can take you to the Dark Side."

She laughed while Hannah cried again.

"I'll be waiting for you, then. To show you who's the Supreme Leader here."

She's right. The First Order is only a bad memory. His nights have a different meaning now. The dark could be full of sweet moments. And he loved each one of them.


End file.
